It's Not Too Late & You're Not Too Old!
That's an encouraging exclamation point, not a yell-y one!
Time is a slippery, defiant lil’ rascal, isn’t it?
It always feels like something I can plot and plan and harness and use, but then, inevitably, December arrives and I realize another year has crossed the finish line while I’m still crouched at the start, tying my shoelaces like a dope.
Back in 2018, I tried to force a reroute of my life by quitting my job without anything else lined up. The plan (if you could call it one) was to freelance write and support myself through a year-long film program.
Quitting, as it often does, felt *amazing*.
I was no longer stressed out by being in a career I knew was wrong for me! I traded in my stiff office shoes for the comfiest combination of sneaker + soft sock I’ve ever managed and felt like a genius/millionaire.
And the first day I started to feel a little shaky about my plan, I found twenty bucks on the ground on my way to the library and got right back up on the GREAT CHOICE, HAYLEY! horse.
But then the pandemic happened. Followed by two moves and a historic strike in my new career field and…I lost a little optimism and (what feels like) a lot of time.
Especially in creative careers — and double-especially in 2023 Los Angeles where all goods, services and 1-bedroom apartments cost a criminally huge amount of money and all jobs pay criminally little by comparison — it’s hard not to feel a desperate impatience to arrive at a successful version of yourself.
A version that looks right, feels right, makes satisfying art and can afford decent health insurance.
And the only way to arrive at success, it feels, is to be Accomplishing Things and thereby Becoming More Solidly Myself. Which, for an impatient perfectionist like me, feels impossible-slash-forever-from-now.
I was feeling all of this acutely this week — until Willie Nelson gave me some perspective.
That, if you can believe it, is Willie Nelson at age 32.
Willie’s record label apparently thought this was the right image for him to kick off his career in 1965.
Willie disagreed, but played along and tried to make the suit fit for five more years until his house burned down and so did his patience.
In 1970 he left Nashville for Austin, doubled-down on denim and pot, and started growing out his hair and into himself.
Discovering this week that at my age Willie Nelson was that Texas-sized-chasm away from the Willie Nelson we know now was a balm and a half.
It takes a little while to become yourself and a then a little while longer to become convinced of yourself; I know this. But I assumed some people — iconic people like Willie Nelson — were exempt.
But they aren’t. And Willie’s not the exception.
Georgia O’Keeffe didn’t make it to New Mexico for the first time until she was 30.
She spent lots of time in her 20s and 30s sick, not painting, and quitting jobs before they were finished.
She didn’t get married until 37, was widowed by 56, and although she spent time in New Mexico practically every year since her first visit, she didn’t move there permanently and start painting clouds and wearing iconic hats until age 59.
Even the most heroically herself person on the planet, Dolly Parton, wasn’t all the way Dolly right out the gate.
In her first-ever radio interview (excerpted on the excellent Dolly Parton’s America podcast), she’s downright shy, quiet, reserved.
But the more she wrote, the more music she made, the more she performed, the more sure of herself she became. And with that, the more the funny, brassy, witty Dolly emerged, acrylic nails clacking and sequins spangling.
Talking about that evolution now, Parton says, “My true belief with most things, is you’ve got to really find out who you are, what makes you happy, what you’re comfortable in, and if you feel like you look your best, according to your rules, then you are going to do your best. I really believe that. And I think everybody has their own little things they love. To me, that is what fashion is.”
I hope she’s right.
And I hope 37 is the year for me to find it. If nothing else, I’m considering it a free pass to make as much art as I can in 2024 and experiment with hats. You’ve got an open invitation to join me.
What an empowering post Hayley!
Thank you.
The photos of Willie and Dolly speak volumes.