Eat Your Heart Out, Project Runway

I know a muse when I see one

If you’ve never watched a fashion reality TV show, you are missing out on some top-shelf fun nonsense.

Project Runway, Next in Fashion — if there’s a competition featuring young people with too much eyeliner talking shit about each other’s bobbin-threading skills in the Brother sewing room, I AM SEATED AND WATCHING.

And the best part of these shows — bar none — is when the designers describe “their girl” to the judges.

For example, “My girl is a French runaway in Rome. She’s just come from a tour of the Vatican and now she’s stealing her boyfriend’s Vespa to go clubbing.”

It’s a story invented to justify your choice to send your model down the runway in a wimple, moto jacket and no pants.

See? Fun nonsense!

But what if designers kept that same level of bananas-specificity in choosing a muse, but “their girl” had an actual human lifestyle?

Call me crazy, but I think the relatability would move some merch.

If I were a designer, these would be some of “my guys/girls”:

“My girl forgot it was street sweeping day and has to run 5 blocks to move the car before she gets a ticket. She’s also due on a work Zoom in 8 minutes.”

• OUTFIT: Oversized sleep t-shirt with a dickie collar over top, no pants, running shoes.

• STYLING: Unbrushed wig found in the bottom of a rubbermaid container under the bed, zit sticker, t-shirt tucked into underwear in back.

• ACCESSORIES: Car keys and phone clutched in either fist, AirPods in ears.
  

“My guy thought he could walk to the Farmer’s Market 2 miles away, but forgot this city hates pedestrians, so it took him half a day and his blueberries got crushed by a Tesla.”

• OUTFIT: Sweat-soaked undershirt, button-down shirt turned into a sling for his arm post Tesla-avoiding leap, chinos ripped by gravel post Tesla-leap, hiking boots.

• STYLING: Sunburn, net bag with wilted ranunculus, blueberry juice-stained socks.

• ACCESSORIES: Atomizer of Cortisol to spritz the audience and really get them “into the pedestrian headspace”.
  

“My guy’s check engine light came on and he needs to go to the mechanic. He wants to look like he might know about cars so he doesn’t get screwed, but not like he knows so much that the mechanic asks him any questions harder than ‘can you please pop the hood?’”

• OUTFIT: Boxer briefs, quarter socks.

• STYLING / ACCESSORIES: Model staggers down the runway, looking completely at a loss, clutching a Jiffy Lube coupon for $10 off an oil change.

“My girl is getting an IUD inserted before birth control goes away and she’s pretty freaked out. After this, she’s headed back to work to present a Lunch & Learn!”

• OUTFIT: Top with bell sleeves to hide public-speaking flop sweat, swishy maxi skirt to attempt comfort, double underwear in case she bleeds through one pair, socks and loafers so she can get re-dressed in the doctor’s office quicker.

• STYLING: Sweat beads around hairline, legs shaved for doctor’s benefit.

• ACCESSORIES: Bottle of Ibuprofen, note cards with phrases like “EYE CONTACT”.
  

“My girl promised herself she’d finally take that free hot yoga class tonight, but then she got super hungry.”

• OUTFIT: Yoga pants, t-shirt from 8th grade basketball camp with fresh pizza sauce stain on left boob, Birkenstocks.

• STYLING: Smeared toenail polish she applied right before this without allowing sufficient time to dry.

• ACCESSORIES: Nalgene bottle, Tide pen for the food stain, yoga mat that was previously protecting the wood floor underneath her dog’s crate.

Lmk if you’re willing to be a reference for my upcoming Project Runway application, pleaseandthankyou.